But here lies the problem: most if not all standard treatments for melancholia and madness rely on generating at least some level of apathy or lethargy, or both.
This is not the result I am looking for. I am not interested in painting a more 'rosy' picture of reality. It is of more importance to me to be able to chronicle realities true nature. If I can work, if I am working, I am happy enough. If I cannot work, the most intense chemical bliss is a living hell. Inertia is the only thing I wish for from any treatment. Western medicine's desire to isolate, contain and eliminate tends to run contrary to this goal, at least in my case.
Through years of self-treatment, I have come to realize that the only way to have a reasonably successful life is make an ally of the illness itself. To do this, I have had to re-define the nature of this enemy-turned-ally, to think in terms of 'phenomena' rather than 'symptoms'. To lean into the illness, find it's bottom rather than waging war with the better part of my psyche.