But here lies the problem: most if not all standard treatments for melancholia and madness rely on generating at least some level of apathy or lethargy, or both.

This is not the result I am looking for. I am not interested in painting a more 'rosy' picture of reality. It is of more importance to me to be able to chronicle realities true nature. If I can work, if I am working, I am happy enough. If I cannot work, the most intense chemical bliss is a living hell. Inertia is the only thing I wish for from any treatment. Western medicine's desire to isolate, contain and eliminate tends to run contrary to this goal, at least in my case.

Through years of self-treatment, I have come to realize that the only way to have a reasonably successful life is make an ally of the illness itself. To do this, I have had to re-define the nature of this enemy-turned-ally, to think in terms of 'phenomena' rather than 'symptoms'. To lean into the illness, find it's bottom rather than waging war with the better part of my psyche.

he stood

HE WAS STANDING, WITH HEAD BOWED
HE LIFTED HIS ARMS UNTIL THEY WERE PARALLEL TO THE EARTH
HE RAISED HIS HEAD
HIS EYES OPENED
HE THOUGHT,
"THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE HUMAN"

It is much easier to push a boulder downhill.